The Power of Language: Transforming Relationships by Avoiding the word “Why”

As a therapist who loves working with children, I often have parents seek tips and advice for ways to improve their relationships with their children. The most important piece of advice I can offer is: “Never Ask Why”, avoiding “why” questions in parenting and communication will bring benefits. It might sound strange, but this small piece of advice is extremely helpful and can change the way we engage with not only our children, but also our work colleagues, friends, and family members.

Why “Why” is Problematic:

Think back to when you were a little boy or girl. Think of a time when you did something naughty. What was the first thing your parent, grandparent, or teacher said to you when it was uncovered?

“Why did you do that?”

This single question generated within the younger version of you a sense of guilt and shame. It caused you to look to the ground and avoid eye contact. It perhaps made your lip quiver, made you cry, and in some instances caused you to wet yourself. The most important word in the sentence is “Why,” and whenever someone asks us why, it automatically generates a defensive internal position, as it makes us feel challenged, blamed, or accused of something.

A Real-Life Example: Avoiding the “Why” Trap:

Consider 7-year-old Linda, who was caught stealing a biscuit from one of the other children’s lunch boxes. If the teacher approached Linda and asked, “Why did you do that?”, Linda would typically close down, find it difficult to answer, and become upset. If, however, the teacher avoided the use of “why,” then she would be forced to explore Linda’s behaviour in a different way. For example:

Teacher: Linda, can I speak to you for a moment…

Linda: Yes Miss

Teacher: Linda, I noticed that you took a biscuit from John’s lunch box and I hoped we could talk about it.

(Linda will feel a sense of guilt and shame at this point and her behaviour will be impacted by the teacher, but because the approach from the teacher has not been punitive so far, Linda will be curious)

Linda: I didn’t mean to do it, Miss.

Teacher: I understand that you didn’t mean to do it, Linda, but I guess we both know that taking John’s biscuit without asking is naughty?

Linda: Yes Miss

Teacher: How best can we resolve this situation, Linda?

Linda: I will put the biscuit back and tell John that I’m sorry.

Teacher: That would be very brave of you, Linda, and I would be proud of you for doing that. Can I ask if you understand a little more about the reason for taking the biscuit?

Linda: I was very hungry, Miss. There was nothing to eat this morning, and my mum said she can’t get food shopping until payday…

This scenario, while simplistic, demonstrates how we can regulate an emotional response, encourage discussion, find understanding, and work towards a resolution. If the teacher had asked “why,” the discussion and outcome would have been considerably different and led by a punitive approach.

The Importance of Language in Communication:

Language shapes our interactions and influences how others perceive and respond to us. By removing the word “why” from our day-to-day conversations, we can become better communicators. People will listen more attentively to us, and we will foster a more open and trusting environment. This simple change can transform how we engage with others, leading to more constructive and less defensive interactions.

Reflecting on Personal Experiences with “Why”

Reflect on your own experiences. When someone asks you “why,” how does it make you feel? Often, we feel defensive, as if we are being put on the spot to justify our actions. This is especially true for children, who may not have the emotional maturity to articulate their reasons under pressure. Understanding the punitive origins of “why” helps us see the importance of finding more compassionate and effective ways to communicate.

Taking Action: Removing “Why” from Our Conversations:

Go out there and try it. Remove the word “why” from your vocabulary and see what happens. Instead, use more open-ended questions that invite discussion and understanding. After mastering this, we can also consider the impact of words like “should” and “must” in our daily interactions.

Conclusion: Emphasising Compassionate Communication:

In conclusion, the way we use language profoundly affects our relationships, particularly with children. By avoiding the word “why,” we reduce defensiveness and create opportunities for meaningful dialogue. This approach not only improves our communication but also fosters trust and understanding in all our relationships.

By embracing this small but powerful change, we can become more effective communicators and build stronger, more positive connections with those around us.

For more information visit Empathy Rooms.